Bitch Planet #1 (2014)

Cover:

Well that’s rude!  The comic is giving me double middle finger at me!

Plot:

Welcome to Bitch Planet!  This is where all female criminals go!  Shenanigans will ensue here.

Writing:

Grindhouse + Religious Symbolism + Blacksploitation + Commentary on Prison Systems = Deep & Complex

Our Hero:

It’s Misty Lee!

Our Villain:

Err…religion?  Government?  I dunno.

Our Side Characters:

I guess… I guess these people count as “characters” in looses sense of the word.

Action:

Lots of people getting beaten up by clubs!

Dialogue:

It’s dialogue!  That’s all I remember about it.

Art:

If Michael Walsh & David Aja’s artwork had a baby, this would be it.

Most Memorable Moment:

Huh, a pink dominatrix hologram with a nun’s habit and a corset asking for a woman to confess her sins.  Ever get the feeling this comic is weird?

Final Page:

When people die, the colors they turn black & white & gray like an old film strip.

What We Should Take from This Comic:

Religion & government are bad or make for sucky combination?  I don’t know, you tell me people.

What We Do Take From This Comic:

The future sucks just like every single future depiction in media.

Yay or Nay?

Mmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….

Avengers #39 (2014)

Cover:

…three out of the five those characters aren’t even fighting on the same side.

Plot:

S.H.I.E.L.D. Avengers have found where the Illuminati are hiding out… or so they think, since it’s a trap! *GASP*

Writing:

Dramatic monologue, fight, monologue some more, Hulk smash robots, “epic and pretentious” prose, fight, grandiose prose, Barbie doll fighting, etc.

Our Heroes:

I wonder where they are?  I haven’t seen any heroes in a long time.

Our Villains:

Pretty much everyone at this point since they are all jackasses in different ways.

Our Side Characters:

Oh hey look, people at the very end.

Action:

Hulk knows how to deliver an uppercut.

Dialogue:

*Snoring*

Art:

Carol Danvers: Wearer of Tight Clothing and Provider of Fanservice

Most Memorable Moment:

OH DEAR GOD!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR SPINE?!

Final Page:

Yes, please stand down if it means everyone will stop acting like a dick.

What We Should Take from This Comic:

If the S.H.I.E.L.D. Avengers and Illumanti keep fighting each other and not work together, the world will be lost and a third team needs to step in to make them wake up.

What We Do Take From This Comic:

For the love of god Mr. Fantastic, will you stop talking over the damn fight scene!  You are boring everyone to tears!

Yay or Nay?

NAY

Hulk #9 (2014)

Cover:

That cover is a lie.  There’s no Kitty VS. Hulk action!  BOO!  0 out of 10!

Plot:

Doc Green gets some brain surgery Kitty Pryde style.  Also, he finally has a nap.

Writing:

*Checks watch* I wonder when things will get going?

Our Hero:

Currently unavailable until the evil smart version of him is gone.

Our Villain:

And there you have it, all debates and arguments about whether he is good or misguide are completely gone.

Our Side Characters:

Oh yeah, you people are still around aren’t you?

Action:

Here, have a dream sequence for you all!

Dialogue:

I’m less afraid of him having a briefcase and more afraid of him doing a dead-on impression of Jack from The Shining.

Art:

I think she phased a jellybean out of his head.

Most Memorable Moment:

The guy has gone super villain on us!

Final Page:

GAH!  Where are his eyes?!

What We Should Take from This Comic:

Doc Green will do whatever it takes to make sure he keeps control, thus putting into villain territory and someone to fear.

What We Do Take From This Comic:

Oh hey Maestro.

Yay or Nay?

Meh.